Word count: 500 Estimated read time: 3 minutes
Back in 1976, as I was preparing for graduation from high school, career counseling amounted to little more than aptitude testing, interest selection, and a bunch of books to look up colleges. And while career counseling today goes a lot further toward helping students with their career selection, the focus is still on the two basic questions of “What do you like to do?” and “What are you good at?”
Because the emphasis is still on these two questions, we still have significant problems with students dropping out of high school and/or college, individuals going into careers or jobs that make them miserable, frustrated parents taking their dissatisfaction with life out on their families, and so on.
The basic problem with limiting career counseling to these two questions is that they don’t help the student get to the core of what truly drives their behavior. “What do you like to do?” limits them to where they are now. For instance, seven year olds might say they like playing on swings, while most seventeen year olds would probably say they like hanging out with their friends.
And choosing a life path based on “What are you good at?” limits an individual to making a decision based on what they “know” they are good at. For instance, I am really good at washing dishes, but that doesn’t mean I want to make it my life’s work.
When I was in high school, people were always complimenting me on my ability to type. ‘Wow,’ they would say, ‘you’re really fast. You should be a typist or a secretary or something like that.’ And, for a while, I thought they might be right. And yet, there was this voice inside me saying, “I don’t want to be a secretary.”
Another problem with focusing on what a student likes and/or what they are good at is that it limits them to thinking only within the scope of their current knowledge, and only at those opportunities that are in close proximity. It also tends to keep them focused on advice from peers, parents, and teachers—individuals who may not always recognize the student’s driving forces. This is especially true if the advisors are also focusing on what they believe the student likes to do and/or is good at.
Identifying what really makes you tick is one of the hardest things a person can do. I believe this difficulty exists largely because we live in a society where “parenting” is synonymous with “behavior modification.” From the moment we are born (and in some cases even before), we attempt to express our essence, and the world counters with behavior modification. For instance, if we cry, we are hushed; if we are quiet, we get slapped on the butt.
By the time we reach the age of seven, if we prefer reading books, we are encouraged to “get outside and play.” Or, if we prefer playing outside, we are directed to “get inside and do our homework.” We are constantly told “Don’t be so __________,” and “stop doing/being _____________,” and “start doing/being _______________.” It’s amazing that any of us actually grow up knowing who we are and what drives our own unique behavior.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Discovering Your Child's Essence
Word count: 900 - Estimated read time: 5 minutes
While relaxing and enjoying the entertainment at an outdoor music festival, I had the pleasure of observing a toddler interacting with the world. He had discovered an uncovered drain hole, about one-inch in diameter, and was dropping tiny pebbles into the hole, one pebble at a time. As the game continued, he traveled further and further from the hole to find his next pebble.
Upon noticing my watching him, his mother joined him on the ground to show him how he could fill the hole more quickly by gathering the pebbles that were closer to the hole and by dropping them into the hole in handfuls. The toddler watched the demonstration patiently then went back to what he had been doing. His mother shook her head in frustration and apologized to me (a stranger) for her son’s inefficient behavior.
This story is a classic example of behavior modification, a normal and accepted practice in our culture today. All of our systems of reward and punishment are based on the principle that human behavior can, and should be, modified. But, while behavior modification is necessary for successful social integration, it can also have the side effect of limiting and/or suppressing individual core personalities, or essences as I prefer to call them.
Even before a child is born, it asserts its essence. I remember how, when I was carrying my son, Matthew, after about the seventh month, it seemed he never stopped moving. Except, of course, for the time when his movement was necessary to get an accurate stress-test reading. Then he slept, quite literally, like a baby. I should have known then that cooperation and coercion were going to be important and enduring concepts in both our lives. Today, he is a healthy, happy, productive 28-year old chef and musician, still in constant motion, cooperative only when it suits his plans, and who still needs to be coerced to call his mother.
Every parent wants to raise healthy, happy, productive children. Learning to identify, and then nurture, each child’s essence is the first step toward achieving that goal.
So where does human behavior come from?
Instinct and biology
Natural human development
Environmental conditions
Individual essence
Instinct and biology are at the base of all human behavior. Babies are born “knowing” to cry when they are in distress. The human body “knows” it needs food, and it “knows” how to eliminate waste. But beyond instinct and biology, the source of human behavior becomes less clear.
Many behaviors are simply a natural part of human development. For instance, two-year olds tend to be combative, so they hit people and throw things at them. Five-year olds generally have vivid imaginations, so they see monsters and are afraid of the dark. Ten-year olds discover human mortality and become obsessed with death, mostly their own, and may suffer from insomnia. And so on. This is not to say that we should ignore these behaviors and just wait until they outgrow them. But understanding that these behaviors are a normal part of human development will help us eliminate them as keys to individual essence.
Behaviors in response to environmental conditions are, realistically, the only behaviors that can be successfully modified. For instance, as parents, we have some control over where our children live, who raises them, where they go to school, what things they see, who they talk to, who they play with, what they watch on television, what activities they participate in, what things they own, etc. But while interaction with the outside world will substantially influence who and what they become as adults, none of these factors will be more influential than their individual essence.
An individual’s essence is that part of their personality that drives them. It’s what makes them who they are. It is their core sense of their self in the world. We, as parents, have no control over what it is. We can’t make it. We can’t take it away. We can only hope to identify it, nurture it, and help our children find positive ways to channel it.
Easier said than done? Not really.
The key to identifying your child’s essence is to listen and observe without participation.
While I watched the toddler with the pebbles, I had no vested interest in his success or failure. This made it easy for me to observe what intrigued him most—watching a single pebble disappear. His mother, on the other hand, felt compelled to modify his behavior to a more socially accepted standard—that of efficiency. Thus, she missed an important part of her child’s interaction with the world.
So was the toddler’s interest in the disappearing pebble a key to his essence? Perhaps, but, probably not—wanting to understand basic physics is a normal part of human development. To know for sure, his mother will have the opportunity to observe him over time and in various situations. And if she pays attention, she will begin to notice emerging patterns—patterns that will help her differentiate between behavior sources, which in turn will help her shed light on her little one’s essence.
Written in April 2008; revised March 2009
While relaxing and enjoying the entertainment at an outdoor music festival, I had the pleasure of observing a toddler interacting with the world. He had discovered an uncovered drain hole, about one-inch in diameter, and was dropping tiny pebbles into the hole, one pebble at a time. As the game continued, he traveled further and further from the hole to find his next pebble.
Upon noticing my watching him, his mother joined him on the ground to show him how he could fill the hole more quickly by gathering the pebbles that were closer to the hole and by dropping them into the hole in handfuls. The toddler watched the demonstration patiently then went back to what he had been doing. His mother shook her head in frustration and apologized to me (a stranger) for her son’s inefficient behavior.
This story is a classic example of behavior modification, a normal and accepted practice in our culture today. All of our systems of reward and punishment are based on the principle that human behavior can, and should be, modified. But, while behavior modification is necessary for successful social integration, it can also have the side effect of limiting and/or suppressing individual core personalities, or essences as I prefer to call them.
Even before a child is born, it asserts its essence. I remember how, when I was carrying my son, Matthew, after about the seventh month, it seemed he never stopped moving. Except, of course, for the time when his movement was necessary to get an accurate stress-test reading. Then he slept, quite literally, like a baby. I should have known then that cooperation and coercion were going to be important and enduring concepts in both our lives. Today, he is a healthy, happy, productive 28-year old chef and musician, still in constant motion, cooperative only when it suits his plans, and who still needs to be coerced to call his mother.
Every parent wants to raise healthy, happy, productive children. Learning to identify, and then nurture, each child’s essence is the first step toward achieving that goal.
So where does human behavior come from?
Instinct and biology
Natural human development
Environmental conditions
Individual essence
Instinct and biology are at the base of all human behavior. Babies are born “knowing” to cry when they are in distress. The human body “knows” it needs food, and it “knows” how to eliminate waste. But beyond instinct and biology, the source of human behavior becomes less clear.
Many behaviors are simply a natural part of human development. For instance, two-year olds tend to be combative, so they hit people and throw things at them. Five-year olds generally have vivid imaginations, so they see monsters and are afraid of the dark. Ten-year olds discover human mortality and become obsessed with death, mostly their own, and may suffer from insomnia. And so on. This is not to say that we should ignore these behaviors and just wait until they outgrow them. But understanding that these behaviors are a normal part of human development will help us eliminate them as keys to individual essence.
Behaviors in response to environmental conditions are, realistically, the only behaviors that can be successfully modified. For instance, as parents, we have some control over where our children live, who raises them, where they go to school, what things they see, who they talk to, who they play with, what they watch on television, what activities they participate in, what things they own, etc. But while interaction with the outside world will substantially influence who and what they become as adults, none of these factors will be more influential than their individual essence.
An individual’s essence is that part of their personality that drives them. It’s what makes them who they are. It is their core sense of their self in the world. We, as parents, have no control over what it is. We can’t make it. We can’t take it away. We can only hope to identify it, nurture it, and help our children find positive ways to channel it.
Easier said than done? Not really.
The key to identifying your child’s essence is to listen and observe without participation.
While I watched the toddler with the pebbles, I had no vested interest in his success or failure. This made it easy for me to observe what intrigued him most—watching a single pebble disappear. His mother, on the other hand, felt compelled to modify his behavior to a more socially accepted standard—that of efficiency. Thus, she missed an important part of her child’s interaction with the world.
So was the toddler’s interest in the disappearing pebble a key to his essence? Perhaps, but, probably not—wanting to understand basic physics is a normal part of human development. To know for sure, his mother will have the opportunity to observe him over time and in various situations. And if she pays attention, she will begin to notice emerging patterns—patterns that will help her differentiate between behavior sources, which in turn will help her shed light on her little one’s essence.
Written in April 2008; revised March 2009
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